How To Break Up*


Right, you’ve met the girl of your dreams, her smile makes your heart stop, when you look into her eyes you forget everything else,  you’ve ascertained that she likes you too…great.

Now all you have to do is break up with her.

Read on ahead, after the jump!

How To Go About It:

Step One:

Tell this girl that you love her. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Then tell her that since she’s moving to *insert street/sector/city/country here* and you can’t do long distance, you cannot be with her. Tell her this even if she’s only changing her school, or if she’s moving to another city.

Step Two:

In a surprise move (keep her on her toes), revoke that decision, write her poems and make all sorts of future plans, from tomorrow’s beach party to marriage.  Oh, also tell her that you now do not care if she is moving and even if she moved to Saudi Arabia for three or four years, you would wait for her. Even if there is no chance of her moving to Saudi Arabia, say this anyway, for dramatic effect.

Step Three:

Sound familiar?

A month after she has gone to *insert street/sector/city/country here*, ignore her. That is, stop replying to her emails, wall posts, texts, don’t pick up her calls (if you accidentally do, hang up as soon as you hear her voice and/or she knows that you know it’s her). Continue this for the whole month.

Insider’s Tip: February would be good.

Step Four:

If any day that is perceived as romantic falls in this month, wonderful. Reply to one of her many texts asking if you are okay with one single ‘Don’t text me. I’ll explain later.’ Or something of the sort.  Be as cryptic and vague as you can.


Step Five:

The next month, when she randomly texts you to see if you would maybe like to reply, pretend not to know who she is. Ask her if she really is Amna/Hira/*insert name here*.

Step Six:

Recover from your amnesia in a few minutes. Proceed to tell her that you can’t talk to her anymore because your Mommy told you not to.

‘Cause my mommy says so.

Step Seven

It's basically like this, on a less peculiar level.

After her visibly heart-broken reply comes back in, ignore it. Instead, tell her the amazing grades you recently achieved in Physics/Chemistry/*insert subject here*, in an attempt to divert her attention from the fact that you are breaking up with her and hope that despite the fact that you are dumping her, she will be happy for you and this happiness will overcome other, stronger needs, like the urge to whack you over the head with a shoe.

Insider’s Tip: If you do this correctly, the entire breakup should take no more than three texts.

Step Eight:

Tell someone through whom you know it will get to her, that you broke up because you got bored with her, and ‘lost interest.’

Step Nine:

The next time you meet her, pretend like you were never together anyway and it was all just a big joke.

Step Ten:

Ask her for relationship advice about this other girl that you now really love.


Step Eleven:

A few days later, tell her that you still have feelings for her.


  • Have you ever had a really awful breakup?
  • Did the guy/girl also stun you with their incompetence and idiocy?
  • Was it worse than this one?

10 thoughts on “How To Break Up*

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